Staying Friends Post Divorce – Is It Possible?

Going through a divorce can be a difficult time in anyone’s lives, but for as much advice as you may get, and as much as you want to put the focus on things like the kids, etc., there will never be anyone who directly feels the impact of a divorce as much as you – the person having to go through it, step by step. Some divorces can go more smoothly than others, while some can unfortunately be messy, complicated, and cause more stress than anyone should ever have to go through for such a thing.

Romantic love can fade, relationships can begin to feel like betrayals, or you want to stay together in order to work things out for the sake of your children. However, just because you may not feel the same way about your partner that you once did, doesn’t automatically mean you have to put them at the opposite end of the spectrum. Simply; if you don’t love them, it doesn’t mean you have to hate them. In fact, there are several reasons why a divorce might bring you closer together – that may sound silly, but as two individuals, there are several reasons why ‘untying the knot’ may be beneficial.

Fewer Expectations

Whether we want to admit it or not, when we’re married, we harbor certain expectations from our spouses – from simple things like taking out the overflowing trash, to remembering to wash a specific outfit for a big meeting, etc. These sound like simple things on paper, but they can lead to huge frustrations when they build up in a marriage, and eventually attach themselves together into a giant mass of expectations your spouse will never be able to perfectly meet. When you’re separated, those expectations simply aren’t there anymore. You don’t need your spouse for those things, so it allows that air between you to be cleared of that mass, and can open up lines of communication.

Going Through Changes

It’s almost impossible not to change throughout the process of a divorce. You may not think you’re growing at all, but the truth is, it’s an experience that allows everyone to grow differently. Perhaps you and your spouse were so stifled in the problems of your marriage, that being divorced has allowed you both to change for the better.

You Have Responsibilities

If you have children, and you can begin to see yourself not as husband and wife, but as partners, raising those children together will be much easier. When you still think of yourself as that ‘married couple,’ even after divorce, it leaves room for arguments, and the ability to bring up old habits, etc. Focus on your goals as partners, and how you can achieve them for your kids, and you’ll both be happier in the end.

Donna Shanahan, LMFT
Couples Therapy Pasadena, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, writes on a variety of topics regarding divorce and staying together.