The way that the mind and the body work together is an amazing thing. When faced with a physical or mental threat, people have been known to run faster, jump higher, and lift more than they ever thought possible, all to protect themselves or others from the worst. This flight or fight response is incredibly useful in many situations. But what about times when a situation isn’t life-threatening, but still activates your flight or fight response? As the world progresses and fewer and fewer things threaten our daily safety, our biologically programmed flight or fight mechanism remains and can sometimes hinder our relationships. This response may cause us to overreact to stressful episodes within our day to day lives, leading to resentment and poor conflict resolution. Thankfully, this unique aspect of relationship conflict has been well studied and tackled in a popular couples therapy approach. Once understood, being more in control of your arousal mechanisms can lead to incredible breakthroughs and healthy, happy relationships.

The fight or flight response (also called hyperarousal) is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. This can be as extreme as a bear attack, or as simple as a perceived fight with a loved one. Despite the stimulus, the result is the same: increased heart rate, quicker breathing, muscle tension and intense focus. These things are meant to help you deal with conflict, but when the conflict comes in the form of a verbal disagreement with your significant other, it has the wrong result. Being overly aroused in times of relationship conflict can lead to negative emotions being exacerbated or feeling out of control. Everyone has times when stress makes them feel not like themselves. At times, couples yell or say irrational things when stressed, making fights. The knowledge that these moments are related to the biologically and psychologically ingrained behavior of the fight or flight response can help couples temper these responses and act accordingly. Also, knowing why these things happen can make it easier to refocus your energy in a more positive way. Knowing more about what goes on when you’re stressed or threatened allows you to better manage your energy, alertness, and readiness to engage.

Have you felt that not being able to properly manage your energy has effected your relationship? Consider looking into the PACT method to work through it. The PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) method of couples therapy is a revolutionary approach that’s helping countless couples succeed. PACT works with couples using the concepts of nervous system regulation, attachment theory, and neuroscience to guide participants in overcoming challenges they face as couples.

Leading a calmer life and having a healthier relationship is within reach! Getting the correct help is the best way to make a lasting change.

Couples Counseling Boulder by Therapist Christy Weller, Psy.D. Also specializing in Psychotherapy and Psychological Assessment Services.