It’s no big secret that bringing children into your life can change your relationship in several big ways, and in a million small ways. These changes can be wonderful, and can bring you closer together as a couple. However, there are also the ‘ugly’ changes that can occur from time to time. Sometimes, we don’t properly prepare ourselves for these changes. Unfortunately, that can leave our relationships in turmoil if we aren’t ready to put in a bit of extra work.

Studies have been shown that the arrival of children changes the way couples interact with each other. This likely isn’t a big surprise, since our roles change. We go from being lovers to parents, and that can feel more like a shift in identity than a shift in a ‘job description.’ So, how can you make sure your marriage or relationship works after having kids? Let’s take a closer look at some helpful tips you can use to keep your relationship’s foundation strong.

Understand You’re Both Dealing With Changes

When a new baby comes into the picture, it’s easy to play games, or complain about ‘who has it harder.’ This is a new experience for both of you, and there are different challenges presented to each of you. These challenges may look different, and you may experience them in different ways. However, that doesn’t mean one person is struggling or doing more work than the other. Don’t immediately take your frustrations out on your partner if you feel as though you’re putting in more work for the baby. Try to understand the work they are doing as well, and how their life has changed.

Communicate Effectively

This tip goes along with the idea that you shouldn’t criticize your partner for what they are/aren’t doing. Talking with each other should have purpose, especially if you’re frustrated. Instead of accusing your partner of something, tell them how you feel. Expressing (calmly) that you’re feeling stressed out, or that you need a break, will likely be a much better conversation than pointing out everything they’re doing ‘wrong.’ Remember that you’re on the same team – if you express your feelings, your partner will likely want to help you out even more because they care about you.

Find Time For Each Other

One of the biggest problems couples face when children come into the picture is that they feel they no longer have time for each other. However, it’s important to find that time, and use it to reconnect as much as possible. When you aren’t able to connect, you lose intimacy, and that can have a huge negative impact on your relationship.

Do what works best for you, as a couple. If that means staying in and watching a movie together, go for it! If you need an actual ‘date night’ away from the home and the kids, make it happen. Don’t be afraid to tell each other what you miss about one another. The intimacy you share now will be different, but that doesn’t mean it has to be weaker. In fact, if you can continue to find ways to build intimacy after a baby, it’s likely it will end up being even stronger than before.

Carolyn Ehrlich LCSW, CGP specializes in Relationship Counseling NYC